I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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