I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
