Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
