I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
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I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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