the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
