don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
