I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
