Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
