mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
