If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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