I CAN MOONWALK!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
