don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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