When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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