i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
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Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
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he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary