i don't plan on having that self control this summer
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
