Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
