did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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