K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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