its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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