She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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