At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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