I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
