sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
