I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
