Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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