Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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