Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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