did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Two words: nipple clamps
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