there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
