youre lurking in front of me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
