his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
