The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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