What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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