Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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