I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
