he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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