I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
