I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
