You can't special order awesome
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
