I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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