i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
