Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
