I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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