I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
