the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
