someone get that fucking seahorse.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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