you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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