If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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