My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
