Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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