i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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