My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
