apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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