Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
