That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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