the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
