wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize