is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
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OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize