I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
