Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
